The Answer to All of Your Problems

When I was a little girl and something hurt, say my knee, or my head, or my arm, my father would go get his hammer and say, “I can fix it!” As good as my dad was with a hammer, and no matter how many rooms in the house bore his Mr. Fix-It trademark somewhere, I knew he couldn’t fix my physical ailments with his hammer. But I would bite anyway.


“You can’t fix my (insert hurting body part here) with your hammer!” I would say, an attempt at exasperation that would usually fail miserably into a laugh.


“Sure I can! If I bash your big toe with this hammer, you’ll forget that your (again, insert named body part here, that was probably already starting to feel better) is hurting! All better!” he would claim, with a big grin.


My dad was not a child abuser, honestly. He was and still is a man with a very silly, sometimes sick, sense of humor. And he knew how to take my mind off of what hurt.


It’s really a very simple “solution” to a problem:  distraction. But it isn’t always easy to distract ourselves from what is painful, find a humorous side, and laugh it off.


In her book, the life-changing magic of NOT GIVING A F*CK, Sarah Knight attempts to teach her reader (or the listener, in my case. I love her voice!) to give less f*cks in life and find more happiness. Among some of her mantras, she insists:  “It’s simple, but it isn’t easy.”


There are many things in life that we address, react to, act upon, avoid, face, ignore, or steamroll our way through. How easily we are able to process a situation, devise a plan of action or solution, and put that plan into effect depends upon a number of factors. How well we are instinctively qualified to handle the situation combines with the resources we have at our disposal to determine a sometimes infinite number of solutions. And sometimes there is only one relevant solution. Personality will ultimately play the biggest role in the solutions process. Are you a Type A personality who had the problem figured out before others even realized there was a problem? Are you a procrastinator that knows what needs to be done, but you’re going to wait until the last possible second to act? Perhaps you are someone who throws their hands in the air and screams, “Oh, shit! We’re gonna die!” (Thank you Harrison Ford in “Six Days Seven Nights.”) Inevitably, the problem will get resolved, or create a bigger problem that needs to be addressed. Again, too many variables determine the ultimate outcome.


We would all like to think that we have control over our lives, but each of us will find ourselves in situations and blocks of time in our lives when we feel completely out of control. When the universe just seems to be working against us no matter what we do. It is during these times that I believe that the “It’s simple, but it’s not easy” mentality is drilling itself into our brains, blaring into our ears from unseen personal ear buds, and written in neon lights above our heads that only we can see. Only we don’t really see the lights. We turn away from them, or worse turn the switch off and darken those lights with a presumed finality. We take out the ear buds and we shake our head to clear it of the insane voice that keeps telling us to do what we know we should do, but don’t want to do. Don’t have the heart to do. Simply don’t have the energy to do.


But it is at these times that we need to realize that voice in our heads, those words in the air, they are guiding us to do what we know has to be done.


Unhappy in your current relationship? Tell your partner what you need. Or leave.


Not making enough money at your job? Get a new one.


Outgrown the house you live in that seemed big enough when it was just two of you, and not five of you? Buy a bigger house.


Feeling lonely, isolated and wanting friendships to fulfill your life? Put yourself out there to meet new people at church, a gym, an outing group. Invite work friends out for a drink.


Feeling overweight, tired, fatigued and out of shape? Eat less. Work out more. Sleep more. Eat better.


Much of what we need to do in life, from getting out of bed in the morning to paying our bills, to teaching our kids how to be good people can be whittled down to a series of actions that starts with one step:  begin. Take the first step. Throw the covers back. Put your feet on the floor. Take the bills and the checkbook (virtual or actual) and compare what needs to be paid with what you have available. Teach your children to say “Please,” and “Thank you.” Show them acts of kindness and encourage them to spread that to people they both know and don’t know. Give back to your community, volunteer. You start somewhere – anywhere - and commit to beginning, making progress towards, and completing your goals.


It’s really very simple. It’s just not always easy.

My Obsession

I obsess about a lot of things. I rarely make a decision without second, triple and possibly quadruple-guessing if the decision I “made” is the right one. I obsess over my skin and how bad it looks. I obsess over my butt and how it has finally transformed in my fifties to an ass that I never thought I would have:  mostly non-existent and much smaller than I would like it to be. My underwear always matches my outfit. Sometimes I need to be clever about color combinations or the subtle hue of a part of a design on my t-shirt to make it work, but yes:  always. I check that the garage bay doors are closed before I go to bed. I always check twice, and sometimes three times, if the kids or Ed are still up. (They have been known to go outside to a vehicle and not shut the door behind them when they came back in.) I hate crumbs on my kitchen counter and will wipe down the counter no less than three times per day. If there has been a lot of sandwich making or pasta eating (the parmesan cheese!), I’m wiping it down an additional time. I don’t think that I have a clinical version of the affliction, but I have self-diagnosed myself with my own version of OCD. I admit it (half the solution to the problem, so I hear) and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s just part of who I am.


Most of the things I obsess about I recognize that most other people would not obsess about them and I accept that they are my own “downfall.” Mine and mine alone to wrestle with, conquer (hopefully) and relive. But there are things that I don’t understand why other people don’t obsess about them. Some just seem like a no-brainer. Clearly obvious.


Like bad breath.


I am obsessed with not having bad breath in public. I can’t be positive that I am always successful, but I can tell you that I am always obsessing over whether it is plaguing me and whether I should be trying to correct a simple case of chronic halitosis. I keep Listerine Strips in a cute holder on my key ring so that whenever I am out in my car, I will always have a source of fresh breath. There is almost always a pack of gum in my car. There is almost always a pack of gum in the buffet drawer in my kitchen. There is always a pack of gum in my desk drawer. There is a packet of Listerine Strips in the pocket of every. Coat. Or. Jacket. I. Own.

Seriously.


I’m that obsessed with not having bad breath.


So for those of you not obsessed alongside me, I offer you these simple, basic, daily “situations” to get you thinking about your own oral scent:


If you’ve finished your morning coffee (or afternoon latte, there really is no discriminating here) more than an hour ago and you haven’t had anything else to eat or drink:  you have bad breath.


Similarly, as much as chocolate is sweet and decadent, if you ate it over an hour ago:  you have bad breath.


If you’ve eaten onions, garlic, fish or pasta:  you have bad breath.


If you got up this morning and didn’t brush your teeth:  you have bad breath.


If you drank orange juice this morning:  you have bad breath.


If you’ve had a glass of milk, yogurt, ice cream, or anything else dairy-concentrated:  you have bad breath.


If you’ve had a glass of chocolate milk:  you have bad breath.


If you’ve had several cocktails and any kind of alcohol-induced snack:  you have bad breath.


If you drank until you couldn’t see clearly, can’t remember how you got home, or don’t remember who took your clothes off, even if you brush your teeth twice in the morning:  you have bad breath.


If you’ve had just one beer:  you have bad breath.


If you haven’t had anything to eat or drink in the last two hours:  you have bad breath.


It’s unfortunate that so many things that taste great going down leave a horrible scent in our mouths that we can unwittingly share with people near us. Or the person six feet away from us. But those delicious foods and beverages do leave our mouths with a nasty, lingering odor. For some the odor is brief and only requires a nice glass of water to reset the palate. For others a breath mint or gum, in addition to the water, is required. And still for others, whether it’s the nature of the food beast (usually onions and garlic), personal DNA or the combination of both, a good teeth brushing and maybe even some mouthwash will be in order to truly correct the situation.


In any case, please be mindful. And join me in my obsession. Please. Because trust me, those of us taking stock in Listerine and Orbitz shouldn’t be the only ones fighting the bad breath fog. It’s a fight we can all join and make a difference.